Roberta: Speaking from experience, I can tell you that time really does heal the hurt, even without your full cooperation. But you have to really want to get past the past, and get on with the future. The best way to do that is to get busy with your new life and excited about the future. Plan a trip. Invite people to dinner. Learn a new language. Volunteer at your local zoo. Join your church choir. The more you involve yourself with things new the more quickly you disengage yourself from things old. And that’s exactly your goal, is it not? I don’t mean to be flip, but chances are your marriage was not making you happy or it would not be behind you. Give yourself permission to start over, and you will have done yourself one of the biggest favors of your life.
Brad: I have been married for 42 years, and I’m bored. My wife is a good person, but she has no interest in anything, and we have nothing in common anymore. I’m ready to retire, and I want a companion that is good company and enjoys life. Recently I met a younger woman, and, well, you know the rest. What now?
Roberta: It sound to me as though you and your wife need to get reacquainted. Before you retire, spend some leisure time together. Rediscover what it was you had in common 42 years ago. Maybe those interests are no longer applicable, but you may be willing to explore something new. Her lack of interest may have a lot to do with not having been exposed to the options that excite you. Tell her you want to start a new phase of your life together, and explore new options. By testing her out on a few weekends alone, possibly in unfamiliar surroundings, you will likely be surprised at her renewed interest in things outside herself--including you. I think you can take it from there. As for the younger woman, well, it sounds to me as though you’ve already made up your mind about her. The new is always more exciting than the old, which means that this new phase of your marriage should fill your need for the excitement you’ve been missing.
Richard T: I finally met the woman of my dreams, but I can’t afford to get married, and I feel she deserves a much better life than I can give her. She claims she loves me, anyway. How can I make her understand where I’m coming from? I don’t want to hurt her.
Roberta: You need to ask yourself why you think you can’t “afford” to get married. You may be hiding behind the money issue because you have others you don’t want to face. Time flies, Richard, and unless you are willing to take a risk on happiness, you are going to sacrifice it for yourself and “the woman of your dreams.” The only time you have for certain in this world is right now. So, right now resolve yourself to be happy, and take a chance on the woman you love. You are not likely to be sorry. One of the worst things that can happen is that you realize how much precious time you lost from procrastinating. One of the best things is that you will have found love.
Margie D: I’m 62, jobless, and divorced. I can barely make ends meet. It’s pretty tough being optimistic about the future when it looks so grim. How do I put on a happy face when I’m crying all the time?
Roberta: Self-pity is a waste of time and energy. Get a pen and paper and make a list of your assets. You need to start taking charge of your life. What are you good at, and what do you like to do? It’s time to pay attention to doing something that is natural for you, and not what you think is expected of you. There is training available for people like you—and much more than you realize. Check out your local Small Business Association or any nonprofit that is geared toward “seniors.” Check out the federal government website, too, and AARP—the list in endless. While you are making this transition in your work life, take a hard look at yourself in the mirror, and know that your appearance has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself, and how you feel about yourself has a great deal to do with how others perceive you. In order to win acceptance among your peers and the field of your choice, you want to be seen as physically presentable, yes, but also confident, calm, communicative, cooperative, and, of course, creative. Good luck, and let me know how you’re doing.
Paul: I am not the virile man of my youth, and can’t offer a woman the kind of intimacy she would expect from a committed relationship. I am not willing to take the risk with one of those enhancement drugs. Any recommendations or advice?
Roberta: My answer depends on whether it is your satisfaction that concerns you or that of the woman in your life. From my perspective, I think you both deserve the pleasure that comes from intimacy regardless of the date on your birth certificate. You say you are not willing to take one of the enhancement drugs, so I won’t recommend those, but I do strongly urge you to see your physician and do some assiduous research on the subject. Somewhere on the Internet or among your acquaintances there is a solution you will find acceptable. Of course, if you are not interested in solving your impotence problem, that’s okay, too. Somewhere there is a woman who will love you, anyway, and in ways that will satisfy your needs. Just remember to satisfy hers at the same time, and you will both have found what you are seeking in a mutually loving relationship.
Beatrice: I’ve tried every diet in the book, and nothing keeps the weight off for long. I can’t afford the more expensive ones that require you eat their food. What do you recommend?
Roberta: If you’ve ever watched the TV show, “The Biggest Loser,” you will have your answer. Exercise like mad—under a doctor’s care—and eat a whole lot fewer calories than you’re eating now. Successful weight loss regimens do not come with a time frame. In order to lose weight and keep it off, you have to change the way you think about food, and remove it from your list of favorite things to do. Forever! Eventually, your body will get used to the idea and make things a bit easier on you by changing your metabolism. Is it worth the lifelong effort? You know it is!
